on the corner

learning to survive

2007-02-20T01:02:00.000-08:00

"what doesn;'t kill you , only makes you stronger"

have you ever had a really tough year, when you felt like the whole world was out there to crash you? we all have these moments when we feel tired of fighting and struggling, frustrated with it all. and sometimes, real tough situations happen in a "string".then it feels like a long "bad" day, week, year or lifetime. i believe it depends not on how devastating the blow is, or how hard it hits you, but on how fast you pull yourself back together. that is the true strength.
last year was one of those years for me. it all started when a childhood friend of mine fell real ill and passed away in the summer. i experienced all those emotions associated with grieving and i related to each of the phases. the denial, depression, anger and acceptance. although, i am sure they were at alot of times mixed up. the immense loss, regret, loneliness and abandonment. the confusion of it all and the state of weakness it puts u in. there are still unanswered questions that baffle me, but one thing is ture, i'l always miss him and his days, and that it's ok to feel anyway i feel. time heals.
anyway, that was only the begining. a little while afterwards came the college applications. in the midest of all the weaknessand confusion i felt back then, add to that a ton of negative energy , if you believe in these things. i made perhaps one of the craziest decisions which will remain in my past as a basically stupid mistake: i chose to go to the faculty of engineering. now before i'm missunderstood here, that is a highly presitigious, interesting, and demanding field. what made it stupid though, is that i've always wanted-ever since i was 5 or something- to be a doctor. some of you may think: wow, how could you get confused between medicine and engineering, which r totally different fields, and some of u may think: get over it, you're talking doc or engineer here,duh? put all of these thoughts aside coz i heard them all, and felt them all. only, i felt them a bit later, when i started to wake up a bit and comprehend that my actions affect people, and that advice matters, and that when u can't drive, u should let someone else with more experience and all of ur trust take the lead for a sec. or at least let them instruct u on the correct road to take. anyway, a few weeks later, after actually settling in my new college i decided it was best to transfer. or more correctly, let my mom and my aunt take the lead and push me in the right direction. i did transfer to medical school and fell back on track. privelaged, i got to witness God's hand in action. when i went to the transfer office, the man responsible told us that the it was closed and we'd have to come back the next year. with a bit of persuation and insistance, and a lot of lies on his part, eventually, we managed to find out that there was one position left in a medical school but it was in the countryside. without hesitation, i took it. the days that followed involved my mom jumping on a plane and coming over so that we'd settle me into my new college. we managed to get the books and decided that i'd stay with my grandma, go to and back from college daily-which was about 80km from home, unless i wanted to stay in the country, which i definetly didn't. with about 4-5 hours in transportation everyday, a month's worth of material that needed to be gone through, a skeleton to purchase, and a search for students who were, like myself, from the city, and would know what i'm going through. also, a search for company to travel with me. so, i'd say i had quite a bunch of stuff to keep me occupied as it is, mentally, physically, and emotionally. but with all the strugges there was and still is, one thing was clear and kept me going: i was back on track.
dont quite think that was it , though. i learned another lesson, the hard way. in an attempt to make new friends, i made a couple of friends who were as different as ever from me. i believed that friends r friends, no matter the differences, and that diversity was good. what i discovered though, is that while friends dont define you, they certainly should reflect you, and they absolutly affect you in more ways than one. having screwed up in both relationships greatly, and made my share of mistakes, now i know that i was terribly naive and inexperienced in that area-social life that is- and unlike what i thought, i am not so good at it! the "choosing friends" delema and the "keeping them" part are two areas that i needed to work at and i certianly learned alot this past year.
moreover, there were other things, like losing another life long friend, and of course,the drop from one of the most soffisticated educational systems to the lowest i could get.
however, i maganaged to go through these and survived the emotions of it all: the confusion, the conflicts, the sadness, loneliness, depression, ambiguity,low self esteem, weakness, and so much more. and midst of it all, God granted me a gift, a best friend who is real close to me and makes me proud. she makes me realise my true identity, supports me, and stands by my side. a true pilar of strength.
and out of it, i realised i had come a long way and learned alot. how you should choose your friends, and how you should avoid the ones that pull you down and fail to recognise your true worth. how to stand still and hold on when things seem to fall apart. how to trust your instincts and rely on yourself. how to be independant yet responsible. how to go through a tough decision. how much my family and best friends mean to me. that it's ok to make mistakes as long as u recognise them and fix them. how much i know and how much more i dont know.
while it seems like i had a "rough year", in truth, it was a truely "educational year". it stand correct, ladies and gentlemen, true knoledge does exsist in knowing that u r absolutely ignorant.

the prettiest thing - norah jones...this is seriously one of the best songs ever!

2007-01-06T14:17:00.000-08:00

the prettiest thing, i ever did see,
was lightening form the top of a cloud,
moving through the dark,
a milion miles an hour,
with somewhere to be.

so why does it seem...
like a picture...
hanging up on someone else's wall?
lately i just haven't been myself at all,
it's heavy on my mind,

now i'm dreaming again,
like i've always been,
way down low,
i know...

the prettiest thing i ever did see,
was dusty as the handle on the door,
rusty as a nail stuck in the ol' pine floor,
looks like home to me...

To you, with longing...

2006-11-01T14:10:00.000-08:00

dear clouds,
i wanted to write u this note bcoz i felt that perhaps u don't know how much i appreciate u. u have listened to me without tiring, and without anger. you've calmed me with your slow pace and your relaxing figures when i felt sad. with you, i've shared my most precious moments. and with you i've shared my fears, insecurities, dreams & wishes. you've helped me resolve my problems and make my decisions, and when i can't find you, i feel trapped. yes, i feel as if the earth has not enough space for me...i feel suffocated...i feel alone.
it is you, in a great way, that fill me with peace, and calm my spirit. and when i see you i can be only myself and wash off all the faces i wear, because you understand. because you see me for who i truely am. if it were for me, i wouldn't part with you ever. and some nights, i actually found it so hard to partake with you, all the way till dawn. well, i know sometimes you r there by day too, but i prefer your presence at night. when the moon light washes me from my worries, and the stars whisper hope in my ears. when all is asleep and i have you all to myself, and all of myself to you.
sometimes, i like to imagine myself sleeping on your lush form. and i wonder how happy i would be if that were to come true. i imagine myself warmed by saoking in the moon light...with more of you everywhere around me. so that i could say to myself : here i am...above, and underneath the swirling skies.

Love &...

2006-10-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

love is the trust that allows me to let go of my hardness of character, being vulnerable and soft when with you, and knowing u wont think me weak or stupid.
love is the confort by which i do that unrealisingly.
love is the high position in which u place me, making me the princess, but also...
love is the security u make me feel, while being with u is about my being safe of harm or sadness.
love is the tirelessness of being around you, shutting off the outer world and forgetting all else, but also...
love is the worries, fears and sadness that r mine i share with u...letting go...

unaccomplished dreams- inspiration

2006-10-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

i've decided to let go of boundaries. nobody's gonna read this anyway, so i might as well write what i want no matter how brief.
today i met one of the few people that inspire u without knowing. this guy, all he did was play the piano. but he reminded me of how i sooooooooooooooooo wanted to play the piano since like forever. well how about that?! i think i got toooooo many dreams and plans on hold. pending. waiting i know not for wat actually. and what else... he learned to play the piano on his own! kinda like my learingin italian. EVERYTHING'S POSSIBLE.
so, i decided on a cute little thing. i'll write down the things i wanna accomplish by the time i graduate and hopefully it'll motivate me to actually get things done.
the list is in processing;)

nice poem

2006-08-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

i read that small poem in an email and i really liked it. hope u do too!

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going!

Male trouble - my life issues

2006-08-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, I think it's by time I kinda wrote more of what my life is really about. So, I'm thinking I'm going to start with something that seems to take a lot of thinking-time.
so lets see, I got this friend, he went away on vacation for a few weeks, during which I'm gradually releasing myself from any kind of influence that I may have had during the past yr . U see.. I've had an incredibly tough yr . Lots of arguments, lots of traveling- not the good type, and waaayyyyyyy lots of problems with this guy. As a matter of fact, I've never had that much trouble relating to one person in my life! Frankly, I kinda felt like I failed at this friendship. More like, I made a lot of f***ing stupid decisions for the sake of making this friendship work. Really, don;t ask my why, because to tell u the truth, I took it as a challenge and I'm a huuuuge perfectionist who can;t stand the idea of an "impossible" failure at anything whatsoever.
so, back to the main topic. By the time he came back, I had decided to give up on him, and to tone down a lot. So, I gave him a casual phone call the day he returned. Although, out of habit, I ached to call and know the details of his trip. But I didn't.
a couple of days later, I was visiting somewhere near where he lives, which is very far, and I thought I'd give him a call and meet up. Yup, like always, he didn't;t reply and didn't call me back that day. nevermind, that's not the issue. The next day he texted me and I made it clear to him that I was upset by his not returning or answering my calls. So, very strangely, he called me twice that day. Of course neither time apologizing! And typical guy behavior-no offense to any guys out there- blaming me in some way or another for us not having met till then since he came back.. And somewhere during the second phone call, there it comes, he bet me that I couldn't;t NOT answer him when he calls!!!! What kinda stupid bet is that! Of course out of instinct, I said yes! So we agreed I Wouldn't;t answer his phone calls for like a week! Assuming, he's supposed to keep trying to call me to win that stupid bet. Just b4 I continue, he tried to call the next couple of days to convince me that he's trying to "win", but as expected, none of us has tried to call since then and it's been almost 10 days.
of course during those days I sent a silly msg in between, so that he wouldn't go like; I just came back and she aint even missing me. But u know what, if it's about missing him, well... After realizing how bad he made me feel, I kinda don;t miss that.
anyhow, I really get stuck when it comes to this guy. The kinda stuck of not knowing what to do about him. I think a lot of girls may relate to that. Specially here in Egypt. The male species seem to have a problem with being clear. Yes, the "el ragol el shar2i" (the middle-eastern man)- it's really not meant as an offense, I'd like to know what guys think too, because, u see.. I don;t think that the Egyptian men know how much women hate vague. They really do! I mean, there's the little mysterious which is ok, but there's the vague and too arrogant which is a failure weapon in any kinda relationship. Whether it's a romance, a friendship, an acquaintance, etc. Anyways, I would love to know people's opinions about the bet thing... So fly in with the comments please! Till then, take care y'all!

friendship lessons

2006-07-28T04:54:00.000-07:00

on a level of certainty, we tend to believe in completeness.perfection. there's no such thing. i had a challenge this year, it was to help someone learn and achieve a better, more balanced life style. however, i learned an important lesson... it was how to fail.
when we make friends we win alot. we learn how to share, how to be there when someone needs us, how much we need people. and when we lose friends, we also win. we learn about independance and about being there for ourselves. i think thats what " the better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" is all about.
i was once asked regarding a friend i had: why do u say you're best friend? what makes you so?. i remember wondering on that question, and thinking: what does she mean? you just know! now i know better. there are factors that have to exsist before we give someone the title of best friend. there has to be trust, respect, caring for one another, loving one another, being there for one another... the list is endless... but u can't be best friends if you don;t have all these. and u most definitly don;t just know! another very important lesson i learned is the difference between our conscious minds and our subconscious. we control only the conscious part. in a state of self protection, we say we don;t trust anyone completely. but what happens when someone betrays us? we are hurt. how come then if we were prepared? the thing is, we trust people subconsciously. unwillingly. it's almost like electronic waves and come out of people and change our minds before they betray us. it's kind of like a parent who says she expects little of her not-so-smart son. the fact is, she will still be upset if he doesn;t perform well. it's about us subconsciouly believing in, and expecting more of the people we love. wanting them to be what we believe they should, because in our minds and hearts it's what we believe is best for them. we try to change them to what we believe is better. however, what we don;t quite get is how they are what they are. how people don;t change. how people shouldn;t have to change.

college life

2006-06-22T14:34:00.000-07:00

being yourself when nothing makes sense,
finding ur sense and keeping it when everything goes wrong,
standing ur grounds in matters of principal,
being flexible with people and situations,
going crazy and insane,
finding laughter in difficulties,
remaining calm in midst of disaster,
crying on the roof coz everything's just going wrong,
screwing up,
appologies,
screwing up again,
making mistakes,
learning from ur mistakes,
getting hurt and dissappointed,
moving on,
forgiving,
holding back in dignity,
laughing ur heart out,
crying urself to sleep,
meeting people,
making friends,
losing friends,
still standing,
depending on people,
independance,
trusting ur instincts,
giving people a chance,
giving people a second chance,
screaming, yelling, dancing in ur pjs on a rooftop,
singing ur lungs out,
being there for ur friends,
doing what u believe is right,
temptation and punishment,
choices and decision making,
eating too much...way too much!
dieting,
eating even more!
dieting,
back to eating and giving up on diets!
learning to say;
no,
sorry,
go to hell!
moving on,
learning,
further learning,
forever learning.

cleaning out self limits

2006-06-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

I read a couple of articles a few weeks ago and I couldn’t help but notice the connection between the two ideas. Their titles were: self limiting beliefs and cleaning out your closet (not the one in your bedroom though! That’s a different issue we might click on later!). These two articles are like the diagnosis and the treatment of the disease associated with low levels of achievement and inability to deal with your problems.

Self limiting beliefs refer to your own thoughts of yourself. Symptoms: low self esteem or if you’re always giving yourself excuses for acting in a certain manner. For example, if you’re not really achieving your full potential in your work or in your studying, and you’re always saying, I haven’t the time, or I’m going through a rough time. Worse still, if you feel like you can do no better. So, it’s the low level of achievement and the thoughts associated with that. Can you relate to that a little? If you can then you suffer from what I like to call “self limiting disease”.

Pathology; These thoughts arise from a level of insecurity in a certain matter of your life, or a specific problem that you’re just not dealing with in the right way. These are like the bacteria of self limiting diseases.

The cure; from my point of view, the treatment course is composed of dealing with the cause, and the cleaning out your closet strategy.

As for dealing with the cause, it involves fixing your troubles. You’re probably thinking; easy to say, hard to accomplish, right? Well, let’s take it in baby steps.

Firstly, you must admit that you actually have a problem and that you’re not living in a state of denial. Most times it’s very difficult for people to admit that they have a specific problem. But, if things are not going the way they should be, or if everyone seems to be pointing out that you’re “just not quite alright”, then, you pause, take a good look around you, take time to view your life clearly, and you might just find out your problem. Sometimes, all you need is a bit of time and it’ll come to you on its own. With some people, however, it’s just there, and you know that you’ve got “an issue”. In this case you’ve actually skipped a phase and are ready to move on to the next stage of the treatment course!

You have to discover what your problem is and analyze it clearly. That is actually a very important point that most people neglect. We usually feel like we have a certain problem but rarely ever really know its core. Yes, its core is what counts. That means taking time to meditate at your own life style and trying to arrange your thoughts so as to reach to the core of your problem. That stage is like the first few days in a diet; they are the hardest , but once you get started, days just follow through with the exception of a few times when you’ll feel frustrated and most willing to quit.

Next, the stage of actually working on that problem(s): you’ll first need to take the time to figure out what you must do to deal with that issue. There’s also a little bit of cleaning to do here. You see, most of our problems are from external factors that cause an influence in our lives. For example, you could be really good at giving yourself an excuse for having “friends” that could actually be holding you back. Let me see… hmmm… they’re fun and they help me feel better when I’m down, they are already my friends if I just ignore or forget about them then I’m not being loyal… I could go on, but the fact is; I’m talking about people that are holding you back. Those are not true friends. Anyway, that’s just one thing you have to clean out. Other junk includes; blame. Blame is like ugly, harmful warms. You are responsible for who you are, and where you stand from achieving your goals! (Pt. I’d like to talk about that later on as well.). Nobody else is! Next is grudge and resentment. These are like deadly fumes, if you mix them with pure air, no matter how much, they’ll just ruin it and it’ll become harmful. Try out the detergent of forgiveness… it usually helps clear out the fumes. But you must use all the forgiveness you can find. Are you getting my point? I guess we’re clear on the definition of self limiting thoughts. Once you open the closet, it’ll become clearer to you and you’ll know exactly what to clean out. But remember, any junk will just pile up again, it’s a continuous process that you must work on to keep your closet clean.

The next stage is a modification stage; beautifying your closet. A little game I read about before is best to help make this point; if I ask you to take 10sec to think about 5 things you hate about yourself and would like to change… do that now…you’ll do it easily. Now try taking another 10sec to think about 5 things that you absolutely love about your personality. Was that a bit more difficult? Well, the point is; most people actually spend too much time focusing on what they’d like to change about themselves than on what they’re good at. That is like the biggest self esteem and self confidence lowering thing ever! You are actually much better than you give yourself credit for. You have to reach a state of self satisfaction- not in a self limiting way though; you should go “I did a really good job, but I can still do better”. If you did a really, really good job, then you’re allowed a treat at the “I’m absolutely satisfied as I did my best… but still I should work at keeping it up”!

Well, I wish you all best of luck with the treatment course.

PS. I would really like any further additions to that thought, so please do send me all the comments that you can. I also take criticism well;)

growing

2006-06-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

Growing

Peace of mind, heart and soul…
Where have you gone all?
What have I done to deserve such act,
Of stolen rest to be for fact?
Life is not mine to decide on actions such
As those incurring pain and hurt so much.
I in the world proclaim confusion,
For fear of breaking I live in a delusion.
A small piece of Earth only now suite me well,
Like a small animal enclosed in its seashell,
Inside it I laugh, dance and twirl,
Till I grow well into a shiny pearl.
Only then ready I’ll be for my shell to break,
And for the ocean to be the home I take.
For now and forever, I must believe in fate…
For if it’s meant to be, it’ll never be too late.
If anger I feel and blame I receive,
Still it should remain for me to believe..
That the dimension of time is infinitely changing,
And hide as I hide, there’s no escape from breaking.