learning to survive
"what doesn;'t kill you , only makes you stronger"
have you ever had a really tough year, when you felt like the whole world was out there to crash you? we all have these moments when we feel tired of fighting and struggling, frustrated with it all. and sometimes, real tough situations happen in a "string".then it feels like a long "bad" day, week, year or lifetime. i believe it depends not on how devastating the blow is, or how hard it hits you, but on how fast you pull yourself back together. that is the true strength.
last year was one of those years for me. it all started when a childhood friend of mine fell real ill and passed away in the summer. i experienced all those emotions associated with grieving and i related to each of the phases. the denial, depression, anger and acceptance. although, i am sure they were at alot of times mixed up. the immense loss, regret, loneliness and abandonment. the confusion of it all and the state of weakness it puts u in. there are still unanswered questions that baffle me, but one thing is ture, i'l always miss him and his days, and that it's ok to feel anyway i feel. time heals.
anyway, that was only the begining. a little while afterwards came the college applications. in the midest of all the weaknessand confusion i felt back then, add to that a ton of negative energy , if you believe in these things. i made perhaps one of the craziest decisions which will remain in my past as a basically stupid mistake: i chose to go to the faculty of engineering. now before i'm missunderstood here, that is a highly presitigious, interesting, and demanding field. what made it stupid though, is that i've always wanted-ever since i was 5 or something- to be a doctor. some of you may think: wow, how could you get confused between medicine and engineering, which r totally different fields, and some of u may think: get over it, you're talking doc or engineer here,duh? put all of these thoughts aside coz i heard them all, and felt them all. only, i felt them a bit later, when i started to wake up a bit and comprehend that my actions affect people, and that advice matters, and that when u can't drive, u should let someone else with more experience and all of ur trust take the lead for a sec. or at least let them instruct u on the correct road to take. anyway, a few weeks later, after actually settling in my new college i decided it was best to transfer. or more correctly, let my mom and my aunt take the lead and push me in the right direction. i did transfer to medical school and fell back on track. privelaged, i got to witness God's hand in action. when i went to the transfer office, the man responsible told us that the it was closed and we'd have to come back the next year. with a bit of persuation and insistance, and a lot of lies on his part, eventually, we managed to find out that there was one position left in a medical school but it was in the countryside. without hesitation, i took it. the days that followed involved my mom jumping on a plane and coming over so that we'd settle me into my new college. we managed to get the books and decided that i'd stay with my grandma, go to and back from college daily-which was about 80km from home, unless i wanted to stay in the country, which i definetly didn't. with about 4-5 hours in transportation everyday, a month's worth of material that needed to be gone through, a skeleton to purchase, and a search for students who were, like myself, from the city, and would know what i'm going through. also, a search for company to travel with me. so, i'd say i had quite a bunch of stuff to keep me occupied as it is, mentally, physically, and emotionally. but with all the strugges there was and still is, one thing was clear and kept me going: i was back on track.
dont quite think that was it , though. i learned another lesson, the hard way. in an attempt to make new friends, i made a couple of friends who were as different as ever from me. i believed that friends r friends, no matter the differences, and that diversity was good. what i discovered though, is that while friends dont define you, they certainly should reflect you, and they absolutly affect you in more ways than one. having screwed up in both relationships greatly, and made my share of mistakes, now i know that i was terribly naive and inexperienced in that area-social life that is- and unlike what i thought, i am not so good at it! the "choosing friends" delema and the "keeping them" part are two areas that i needed to work at and i certianly learned alot this past year.
moreover, there were other things, like losing another life long friend, and of course,the drop from one of the most soffisticated educational systems to the lowest i could get.
however, i maganaged to go through these and survived the emotions of it all: the confusion, the conflicts, the sadness, loneliness, depression, ambiguity,low self esteem, weakness, and so much more. and midst of it all, God granted me a gift, a best friend who is real close to me and makes me proud. she makes me realise my true identity, supports me, and stands by my side. a true pilar of strength.
and out of it, i realised i had come a long way and learned alot. how you should choose your friends, and how you should avoid the ones that pull you down and fail to recognise your true worth. how to stand still and hold on when things seem to fall apart. how to trust your instincts and rely on yourself. how to be independant yet responsible. how to go through a tough decision. how much my family and best friends mean to me. that it's ok to make mistakes as long as u recognise them and fix them. how much i know and how much more i dont know.
while it seems like i had a "rough year", in truth, it was a truely "educational year". it stand correct, ladies and gentlemen, true knoledge does exsist in knowing that u r absolutely ignorant.
posted by underneath the swirling skies @ 1:02 AM
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